A few Thoughts

I remember the first week of work a coworker asked me if I had any kids, I hesitated at first because I wasn't quite sure what to say. I knew if I told her yes she would ask a ton of questions, so I just said no. After my response I wanted so badly to cry because I had lied. I didn't prepare myself for the questions and my response.
The reason I told her no was because I knew if I said yes, she'd probably ask if I had a daughter or son, how old he or she is and those questions would lead up to me explaining my adoption journey. When people ask me about this adoption journey, why I chose adoption, etc; they usually end with, "I could never do something like that, don't you regret that, and you must have not wanted your child".
The truth is, I have so much love for Emily and if circumstances were different she'd be with me. But I can't think about that because she is where she should be, with her forever family.
People think, just because I placed my daughter for adoption that I don't get to be a part of her life. Even though I'm standing at a distance or on the outside looking in, I'm still THERE. I do wish for up close and personal moments, but I'm thankful for what I get now.
Yes, I do worry about what she'll think of me when she's older, if she'll want me in her life, if she'll accept me and be thankful for the choice I made. I worry about what things will be like in the future, if they'll change for better or if they'll get worse, but I can't let that catch my focus right now because the journey is just beginning.