Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
I remember the first week of work a coworker asked me if I had any kids, I hesitated at first because I wasn't quite sure what to say. I knew if I told her yes she would ask a ton of questions, so I just said no. After my response I wanted so badly to cry because I had lied. I didn't prepare myself for the questions and my response.
The reason I told her no was because I knew if I said yes, she'd probably ask if I had a daughter or son, how old he or she is and those questions would lead up to me explaining my adoption journey. When people ask me about this adoption journey, why I chose adoption, etc; they usually end with, "I could never do something like that, don't you regret that, and you must have not wanted your child".
The truth is, I have so much love for Emily and if circumstances were different she'd be with me. But I can't think about that because she is where she should be, with her forever family.
People think, just because I placed my daughter for adoption that I don't get to be a part of her life. Even though I'm standing at a distance or on the outside looking in, I'm still THERE. I do wish for up close and personal moments, but I'm thankful for what I get now.
Yes, I do worry about what she'll think of me when she's older, if she'll want me in her life, if she'll accept me and be thankful for the choice I made. I worry about what things will be like in the future, if they'll change for better or if they'll get worse, but I can't let that catch my focus right now because the journey is just beginning.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
I wish things could've been different like the way I got pregnant, stability, and being able to parent. We, as birth moms care more about our babies and what's best for them at the time, not what's best for ourselves. Adoption is hard and love together! It's hard to carry a baby around for 9 months, get attached, love that baby, and wish we were in better situations. But we have that selfless love... We have openness in our adoptions, (most of us birth moms). I think jealousy hits when we are able to be apart of our birth children's lives, see them being loved, and want what we let someone else have. I know it's hard because I see how much T loves my birth daughter and how happy she is to be a mother and it makes me jealous for that! I struggle to keep my head above water daily with grieving, Thinking about what ifs, and kinda hating myself because I loved my birth daughter so much that I knew she deserved more and my mind kept telling me that if I were to parent how happy I'd be, when really I'd go stir crazy... Sorry for the ramblings. All this to say, it's hard watching from a distance and not close up as we want.
Its hard to say how I think she (my birth daughter) will feel because I tried to "prepare" myself for what I thought I'd feel but it was all different for me. I had the adoptive mom and a friend in the delivery room with me... I had so many visitors back to back that I wanted to get to meet my birth daughter, but on the way home from the hospital I felt empty all over, not just because I was leaving w/o my sweet baby girl that I'd just given birth to two days ago, but because I didn't get much alone time with her... The only thing that helps me, post placement are the things that belonged to beloved while we were in the hospital and pictures. I kept those things by my pillow because I felt some nearness. I cant say I've given myself time to grieve, because I can't fully accept that this is real and the feelings and emotions are so raw. But what I can accept is that she is so loved and wanted.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
I was sitting in a little room waiting for the doctor to tell me the results and as we were waiting she went on to ask a few questions. She asked, "what if you are pregnant, do you have a plan, is the dad in the picture"? etc. I started to get annoyed with her questions and just silently hoped the test would come back negative, because I wasn't ready for a baby. She just kept rambling about pregnancy and babies. When she noticed I was annoyed with what she had to say, she stopped talking for a bit, then she read the test and said "well, Miss Turner, it looks like you're about 5weeks".
Friday, May 15, 2015
I feel like I've been doing so well hiding my grief. Its been almost 3 months since Beloved was placed for adoption and I feel like I've been grieving so wrong. When people ask how I'm dealing with things I pretend everything's OK. Truth is, everything isn't OK. I struggle being around babies and parents because it sometimes makes me want what parents have; to be caring, parenting, and being able to provide for their children. I keep wondering why the heck it still hurts. The pain and the feeling numb. It hits out of no where. It makes me feel like I just wanna be in her presence, hold her, talk to her, give her kisses and tell her how much I love her and it hurts that I can't. I never imagined grieving would be so painful and that it would never go away. I know I'll be able to handle it at certain stages. Right now I'm afraid that people would think I'm weak or depressed if they knew how much I grieved. I wish grief was just a one time thing, but it isn't and my heart will always feel that sting of pain. The grief I feel is something I never knew would break me so badly due to missing beloved. I mean I do know that hiding things in the dark will blow up in the light, which is why I don't want to hide, but I don't want to be vulnerable about my true feelings with anyone; not even myself.